Parents During the Marriage Process
Islam holds parents in a very high status and considers ones relationship with his or her parents one of the most important relationships that one must safeguard.
Allah has said in the Quran:
Worship Allah and associate nothing with Him, and to parents do good, and to relatives, orphans, the needy, the near neighbor, the neighbor farther away, the companion at your side, the traveler, and those whom your right hands possess. Indeed, Allah does not like those who are self-deluding and boastful. – Surah Nisa: Verse 36
While speaking about this verse the Scholars have commented that one of the reasons why Allah places the parents right after himself in verse is to show the importance ones relationship with his or her parents is.
In another hadith:
Sa’id ibn Abi Burda said, “I heard my father say that Ibn ‘Umar saw a Yamani man going around the House while carrying his mother on his back, saying, ‘I am your humble camel. If her mount is frightened, I am not frightened.’ Then he asked, ‘Ibn ‘Umar? Do you think that I have repaid her?’ He replied, ‘No, not even for a single groan.’ (Al-Adab al Mufrad)
We see the importance of parents clearly in this hadith! SubhanAllah, the man carried his mother on his back to Hajj. He travelled such a large distance with her and then helped her do Hajj and yet it was only a small deed compared to the pain that she undertook during childbirth.
If this is the status of parents in Islam outside of marriage then how much greater must their involvement be considered when getting married. In fact, having the guardian of the woman who is about to get married is a necessary part of the marriage process.
Nowadays there is a disconnect between a child and his parents especially after the age of 16 when a child is able to make his or her own decisions. Parents are quite often neglected in all aspects of life including a childs personal life.
Usually when Muslims start searching for someone to marry the parents are neglected in the process. Below you can find several reasons why parents should be part of the marriage process and can in fact bring more benefit than harm.
- Parents bring experience to the process. Parents know what has worked and what has not worked during their married years. Using this information parents can suggest certain qualities or characteristics to look for in a spouse. They can also be used to consult whether a prospective spouse would be a ‘good match’ or not.
- Parents bring responsibility. When parents are involved it makes the process look legitimate and the person realizes that getting married is not just for play but a very serious process.
- Experience tells us that having parents involved from the beginning eases a couples life later on. Parents being involved creates an environment conducive to love and good relations within all the families. Parents do not feel left out and therefore are less likely to cause problems later on.
I am not sure about this one, so many people I know have many problems with parents interfering in their relationships, resulting in marriage problems and furthermore, problems with the family and parents.
Not quite sure if I agree with some parts to this, however I do believe that culture can be more of a problem than the religious belief itself.
What is the punishment for a father who uses the most disgusting disgraceful language towards his daughter. I’m a little annoyed that you choose to put too much emphasis on the parents. Some Pakistani Muslim parents are very racist and when or if their child finds a good Muslim man/woman to marry who is not the same race then its a MAJOR problem. See the hypocrisy here? They (parents) use Islam at their disposal but then ignore Islam when they should apply and adhere to the teachings of Muhammed PBUH. Islam is RIGHT we are wrong. I rest my case.
Salaams,
Parents are an integral part of our lifes and play a major role in every decision of my life but sometimes they tend to be a little unreasonable. I say this because Islam doesnt seggregate muslims based on caste or community but my parents are hellbent on me marrying a person wiithin my community and not considerin what our religion advises. I only pray that Allah S.W.T guides me and them.
I obey my mother by marrying someone she likes so much, but after sometime, my wife started mis-behaving even to my mother in particular, different abusive word to her, infact she said my mother was a witch. for the past 8 years of my marriage there is no single peace in my house and my wife and my mother has never being peace all dis while.
Salam, in terms of this article, i think it was a good explaination of why and how we should be kind to our parents. There is no doubt that we should ask and obey our parent’s decisions in marriage as this is their right. I find that with certain south asian families are particular in who their child marries and that is reasonable as a concern for their child. But i find parents should be understanding on their part too, as being grown up in Canada we are used to being mixed. As long as the partner is a practicing Muslim and from a decent family, i think parents should be accepting.
Assalamualikum.
Wow looks like nobody so far completely agrees with this article 🙂 and I am no exception.
It’s true that parents do have a very high value in Islam but high positions always do come with high responsibilites which parents tend to forget and often time make wrong use of their high position in front of their children. If everyone takes care of their own responsibilites and gives everyone their due rights this world would be a lot better place.
Lastly I’d say the main point of this article which is parents should not be kept away from the marriage process is absolutely true as even after marriage parents are ofcourse a big part of the boy’s or girl’s life and in many cases the wife does stay along with the husband’s parents.
Indeed, parents should play a role in the marriage process. However, they need to understand what their child wants and likes b/c ovbiously it is the child who is getting married not the parent. If a child likes someone, he/she can honestly tell the parent that he/she wants to marry this so and so. Most of the time, the parents in our society tends to find “fault” in the sillyist things. Obviously, there will be a problem if the child liks someone who is an alcoholic! In the marriage process, our opinions counts the most, the parents are there for guardianship. Allah has given full right to chose who we want to marry and if our parents do not have a VALID reason on why we cannot marry the person we like, they will have to answer on the Day of Judgment. But in this society, parents will look at the sillyist things to look upon. Sometimes, they need to let their children decide b/c in the end, your parents are not going to spend the rest of their lives with the person YOU’RE going to MARRY; it is going to be YOU. You need to know who is more compatible with you and who is not, who YOU are attracted to. Allah knows everything. Subhanallah. If you really want to marry someone, you just have to put effort in making your parents agree. In the end, it is YOUR life.
Parents are important in our lives. But sometimes, they need to understand their children better. As long as the person who we wish to marry is a good practicing muslim and has good character and the other good stuff, then parents should be accpeting. Allah made marriage easy. Marriage was so easy during the time of the Prophet( pbuh) but unfortunately most of the time parents( asian) and the society has made it difficult. May Allah guide those and soften the hearts so that they know the true ruling of marriage in Islam. May Allah accept our dua’s for our future spouses and make it easy( even though He already did) for us so we can be with the one WE love insha’allah!
Asslamualikum!
Parents are important in our lives and of course we should respectful and be kind to them. However, that does not mean that we should jump down the bridge if our parents tell us to jump down the bridge. Marriage is between two people and it is the right of the individual getting married. The individual has more right than the parents during the marriage process b/c the individual is the one who is getting married not the parents. Parents should be open mined with their children. I guess most parents are not, that is why getting married is so difficult these days.
salam,i somehow can relate to this topic and i must agree to jenny.sometimes parents also go beyond wer they supos to be.they r there to guide us not to watever they want it to be..
I completely agree with Sophie Khan, Tafiq & Amir! Because sadly some parents use Islam to manipulate their child’s life. I know of parents who throw in lines like “we did so much for you all your life & now if you marry against our wishes consider us dead!” Since when does Islam preach treatin your child as an “investment”? And as long as your child is marryin a good practising muslim, who cares if they are not of the same nationality/community or even financial status? Unfortunately my life is a livin testimony of how wrong parents’ judgement can be at times, coz my husband of almost 3yrs is now divorcin me because his family never accepted me (we are both muslim but of different nationalities). May Allah have mercy on us & guide us all…..