My Husband won’t help with the Housework!

If there is a universal complaint from wives about their husbands, it would have to be that their husbands don’t help around the house. This complaint seems to transcend culture, location, ethnicity and nearly every demographic (except for maybe the very wealthy). It seems beneficial to then ask a very simply question: Why do husbands not like to help with housework, and why should they want to help doing chores.

So why don’t husband’s help with housework? Arguably, there could be a number of reasons why this is so, ranging from a form of laziness or procrastination (“I’ll do it later dear”) to a sense of entitlement, but most research on the subject points to one overwhelming idea:

Men do not like doing housework because their Fathers didn’t do housework.

Though most husbands do not consciously understand that this is the root of their lack of desire to help, in most cases this seems to be the underlying reason. The old arguments of “I can’t do chores because I work all day” has been proven faulty since husbands in dual-income households still do only 1/5th of the work their wives do.

As humans, one of the main ways we learn is through observation and through the ‘modelling’ our actions after others – and so a lesson to all the parents’ out there: Your Children Are Watching!

The Qur’an clearly shows how the example of our parents (or forefathers) directly motivates our own action. For instance, Allah (swt) states in Surat Az-Zukhruf (verse 23):

And similarly, We did not send before you any warner into a city except that its affluent said, “Indeed, we found our fathers upon a religion, and we are, in their footsteps, following.”

Following the example of our parents and teachers is an incredible motivator, or in this case, an incredible de-motivator. Children who see their fathers refusing to do chores thereby consider housework to be an act that lacks chivalry or lacks manliness.

What is necessary is for us to re-establish the centrality of the example of the Messenger of Allah in our lives. It may take some effort to break the ‘psychological hold’ that whispers to us that housework isn’t for ‘real men’, but the more we study the life of our beloved Prophet the more that nonsense should melt away.

‘Aisha (ra), the wife of the Prophet, described his character beautifully when she said: “Indeed, he was in the service of his family (or wives)” (Sahih al-Bukhari). The Prophet’s dedication to serving his family, and performing chores in his house was such that he could only be described by it! Peace and blessings be upon him.

In order to motivate all the husbands and soon-to-be husbands who are reading this as to why they should help at home, here is a list of benefits of housework:

  1. The greatest benefit is that you would be upon the path of the Prophet (saw) who said: “The best of you are the best to their wives” (Sunan al-Tirmidhi).
  2. The act of housework is an act of charity and is a means of bringing happiness into the heart of your family. The Prophet said “The best of actions is to enter joy into the heart of your believing brother”. If it is of the greatest to bring joy to your brothers and sisters in Islam, then it stands to reason that it is a greater benefit to bring joy to your own family!
  3. Research at the University of Western Ontario shows that couples who shared their housework at (close to) 50% were the happiest and reported the highest levels of fulfillment!
  4. The same research shows that couples where only one of the couples did all the housework (usually the wife), BOTH the husband and the wife reported high levels of dissatisfaction and depression!
  5. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that couples that share the housework also have a more satisfying sexual relationship than those that do not share housework. If there’s ever been a better motivator for this cause, I do not know what it could be!
  6. Finally, remember when I was saying the actions of the parents affect the children? Well, research shows that the children of parents who share housework chores have more friends and have better grades at school.

 

Ibrahim Hindy is a MA candidate in Islamic Jurispudence at Al-Madinah International University, and is also pursuing a certification in Couple and Family Therapy Studies at the University of Guelph.

  22Comments

  1. Um Djamel   •  

    Assuming the man is at work all day while the wife is a home with the children – or alone while the children are at school, why should the woman expect help? He has his job, while hers is to take care of the home. If he helps her from time to time WHEN necessary, that’s a bonus. I know of young women who EXPECT their husbands to do the shopping and household chores while they are so bored they have naps in the day!

  2. axy   •  

    if a woman is a housewife n husband works outside then yes the majority of the chores should be done by the wife, but this shouldnt mean that the guy doesnt lift a finger at all – he should clean up after himself n help in weekends…i see many couples in the situation where cos the guy works outside n wife stays home, he doesnt even make a cup of tea for himself or tidy up his own plate after eating…also it has to b noted if the wife is also looking after in laws/several children at home housework isn t gna b a priority but keeping those ppl well n fed n entertained will!

  3. Iman M Kamran   •  

    This was a very interesting article, thank you for sharing. There are certain things women cannot do around the house, physically and it is helpful to have a man assist with the chores. I do not think it is too much to ask especially if the wife works full-time and takes care of the children and all other household matters. A successful marriage takes teamwork in all matters ♥

  4. Aysha Ann Davis   •  

    I stayed home with my children for 15 years (which I never regretted) However, if you think that taking care of a home and raising children is not working than switch places with your wives for a month. Do everything you expect her to do and be ready for her at night. Most husband spend 8 hours a day at work 5 days a week at work. Wives and mother are on duty 24/7. If the Prophet (pbuh) was able to find the time to help around the house, why can’t you?

  5. Shazira Malik   •  

    @ Aysha: if they cud try to help out they wud make a big fuss about it n then an argument follows, then it gets family members involved, then they add they’re own pettyness, then u make up then before u know it marriage is a CHORE n u get a Divorce an the sorry excuse u get is its not u its Cultural Differences! Pity he never said that during 12years of marriage. 3daughters an when he was feelin low! SELFISH but I believe in what goes around comes around and Allah almighty is a better judge than any1 so i let it be and pray for the best InshaAllah for me n my Daughters Ameen!

  6. Aysha Ann Davis   •  

    I was married for 22 yrs to a very abusive and selfish man. Not sorry I divorced him. Only when he realized that I was fed up and leaving him did he finally start just how much i did for him, but by than it was to late. But you are correct about them making a big fuss about it. Sometimes I think they whine more than a child, 😛
    astaghfirullah, astaghfirullah, astaghfirullah for speaking the truth.

  7. Shazira Malik   •  

    @ Aysha sorry to know ur Ex was violent towards u Mine never layed one finger on me Alhamdullilah he just chose his brothers, sisters, mother, father, instead of me an his daughters but it should not have to coz all I ever asked was for family time for me him and our daughters but to him that was a lot to ask an he left me when I was 7weeks pregnant with our 3rd child, it was difficult but he walked out and only made contact when my baby was 8weeks old gave me a divorce this january I was down but now I am soooo @ peace no more stress as I realise it was me that kept my marriage together not him an Alhamdullilah I have my 3 daughters who I love more than life xxxx

  8. Farhana Motala   •  

    ALLAHS shukr m truly blesd to have a husband who not only lends me a helpin hand but also helps evry1 else in our comunity whenevr he is able to….sisters duaa is the only elemnt ths changes taqdeer so try it out n ul reap the rewards!!

  9. Shazira Malik   •  

    House Work should be the least of any Marriages Worries! Should b grateful to have a loving, Caring, Trustworthy Committed, Companion for life, but that too is a lot to ask for!

  10. Sai   •  

    At least in my experience I’ve generally found even if both partners are employed full time there is still an expectation that the wife will still have to do the housework regardless of the amount of hours she may or may not have worked.

    I’ve also found that in more traditional households, if both partners work the moment they marry, the wife is still expected to drop her fulll time job (or at least reduce the amount she works) regardless of whether she earns more or is in a better position for advancement or continued employment because of tradition rather than practicality.

    I’ve also known many men who whilst not being employed full time or at all still do not do housework because it is emasculating and they feel as though it’s a woman’s role. So at least in my experience the exact opposite is generally true.

    Do you expect that regardless of what else a woman may be doing in her day she still must have the time to do all the housework, take care of the children, the grocery shopping, the cooking and taking care of her husband? Are you surprised that in a household where there is a severe inbalance that the wife would be dissatisfied and exhausted? and as the article points out do you want your sons and daughters to be unable to be independent or flexible?

  11. RU   •  

    My ex used to cook,clean, babysit etc for his sister-in-law and brother and also toldd me all the generations of men in his family cook for their wives etc. He did do some cooking etc but then rubbed it in my face saying I am a wonderful husband- no man is as gud as me etc I cook for u cos I love u but u don’t cook enough. I supported him financially and he got uk visa becos of me. He walked out on me after getting visa. :e complained wen doing chores to make wife happy but never to his sis in law.He washed her clothes but hated to do mine which she did not ask him to do and neither did I. Hypocrisy was his middle name.

  12. RU   •  

    @shazira same problem He prioritised his brother and sis in law more than wife. He wanted kid I refused. He left after visa. Like u say I kept it going for nearly 3 yrs thinking maybe one day I will be more than a woman who will give him kid.
    @sai yes women are expected to do both but I don’t agree wid this but many cultural women actually support this view and encourage it. I’m told I could have balanced longer hours and night shift with cooking and housekeeping I just didn’t try to – by my own married friends!!! even though he was free and had work late afternoon and worked less hours.

  13. Anon   •  

    Sadly, it’s culture that we have to thank for this. I am soon to be a doctor inshAllah and my family is talking about marriage. I hate to think what the situation would be like after I graduate. In the Asian culture it is seen as ‘less manly’ if you help your wife even if the husband is well-educated and assumed to know better. I am in great fear as to what will happen as whether I would be able to balance both the responsibilites of work and full-time duties of a being a wife. Unfortunately there are going to be many girls like me, unsure about the future, for several more years to come unless we start following Islam in its true and right form.

  14. MK   •  

    asalaam walikum
    Wow, reading everyone’s comments is quite interesting. I’m not married yet, however I do not think that clean the house or completing household chores is a big deal. At the end I think the hereafter is my goal and if I waste my time thinking about small things like this, then when will I get the time to train my children and make them the best Muslims possible. My parents did not always do house chores together. However, my mom never complained and on the weekends my dad would help as much as he could. Alhumdulilah they have been married for 25 years and tell me that if you have a strong relationship with ur spouse then these other issues will seem small and insignifcant.

    I pray that Allah(swt) strength our emaan and that we oursevles become great Muslims. May Allah(swt) ease our issues.Ameen!

    asalaam walikum

    • Muslimah   •  

      @MK Walaikumasalam. I can completely relate to what you are saying right now. I am newly married and I used to think like you before marriage too. I couldn’t understand why it was such a big deal for people that the guy who works all day doesn’t help in household chores but now I can understand those feelings too. Alhamdulillah, I have a great husband who appreciates the work I do at home and he tries to help sometimes too. Since he used to live with friends while studying he has experienced cooking and doing the dishes etc. But that also means he has lived without any one telling him to keep the room tidy or to keep things in their place and i find him struggling to do that. I used to work before getting married. I was passionate about my job but I had to move out of the country post marriage so I left my job and I did want time to settle into a new life that is marriage so I was in no hurry to start something full time so soon. But a few weeks into staying at home waiting for the husband to come back and only doing the same chores over and over again (like cooking, doing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the washroom, vacuuming, tidying the room etc) I felt so purposeless. I come from a country where we have domestic help for such chores. It’s good in a way that it provides employment for that section of society and allows women to put their time and skills to some constructive use. I tried to start doing some constructive stuff from home (online) but I felt I couldn’t manage to give the same amount of time and concentration I could previously. I had to keep getting up for chores etc and some days I could just feel that resentment growing like if he leaves some stuff lying on the floor (adding to the work I already have to do) or if he comes home and says I will do it but then gets busy on a phone call or watching a movie etc, I feel the resentment that the others are talking about. Alhamdulillah my husband is supportive and I know if I tell him some day I am not cooking or not feeling well, he will bring food from outside but what I’m saying is doing the same work over and over and tidying up each day after ur husband leaves his stuff lying around can get annoying – it just makes u feel like ur doing nothing else but this each day esp when u want to do something but aren’t really finding the time to. At first I felt these issues were trivial but now I can understand how resentments grow slowly and develop into big arguments esp if they are not dealt with at the initial stage. And its not that these women who feel this way dont have greater issues to deal with that they are thinking about such things, may be it is Shaitan, but its the fact that they get so caught up in cleaning n doing the chores and these little things that they dont get time to do something greater and that makes u feel purposeless and builds on those resentments further. So husbands should try not to give Shaitan this chance. They should help around. Just showing that they care and appreciate all the work the wife does makes a difference, and yeah well, it would really help if they can at least tidy up after themselves like not leave stuff lying around and keep things in their places and may be help do the dishes after dinner. It’s the thought and attitude that counts. Even if u just help a bit.

  15. SANNAH   •  

    I think it’s important to recognise everyone is different and people have different limits in their capabilities, it’s quite possible one man is extremely tired from being at work all day and just wants to sleep when he comes home and another man comes home full of energy ready to help his wife.

    Either way both wife and husband should be understanding of each other and work as a team and not expect the other to exceed his/her capabilities.

  16. Ibrahim   •  

    I find it a weak article, beacaus e of the fact that the used traditions of the prophet are not fitted to extract that the man has to help speceficly with the household. Helping with the household is a huge thing.

    We can co back and see it as because a man follows his father and thats why he doesnt like the house hold. But we can also say that it is the fitrah of men not to help with the household. The view of the Majority in Islam is that the women is responsible for the things ins house and the man is responsible at the larger scale and outside the house.

    So this last view man that helps in the houss is of the modern thinking Muslims, that want to extract theyre rulings from the West.
    We have nowadays women like man and man like women.

    Leave the household to the women and leave the man to be man.

    Peace

    • Annie   •  

      Actually, you are incorrect.
      The majority Islamic view is that the woman is responsible for only the husband and loving the children. The woman is not responsible for the husband’s house, or his relatives. The man is the provider, so he must provide food, clothing, etc. A man even has to provide a milk maid if the woman does not want to breastfeed.

      So what you are talking about is cultural expectations. In Islamic, the woman has no expectations. If she does household work, it is a gift to her husband. Not a responsibilit.

  17. zoey   •  

    he he he hhhhh leave the men to be men. who said that being a real man was all about letting your wife work more hours then you out side the home whilst he sits with his feet up letting his wife continue to work in the home. House work is hard which is why some men dont wont to do it.”The best of you is he who is best to his wives” is that the man who i have mentioned above??? No it is the man who recognises that his wife is tried and happily cooks the dinner. Remember we were created to be partners of one another. to live together in peace and tranquillity. To the unmarried women, out line your expectations before excepting marriage and ask your potential husband to do the same, that way you both agree and there will be no surprises.

    Z

  18. Aisha   •  

    Wow, this is really interesting and funny. I’ve been married for a year and i have a beautiful daughter. In my country, men don’t help their wives with anything, so i grew up knowing that my husband is not going to help, because even my dad didn’t help my mum. Even when i was heavily pregnant, i used to hand wash clothes, iron, cook, sweep, mop, e.t.c. I even burnt my hand with hot oil 2 days before i delivered and after delivery, i continued without resting as though i had not delivered a baby. Fine, i had already made up my mind not to complain, but it really hurt me that i couldn’t get a little help even after delivery. There’s no love and sympathy. To make matters worst, he keeps complaining that i’m lazy after all the work i do for him. Sometimes, when i cook, he tells me, ‘i don’t want this, cook this instead’ making me too tired. Pls my brothers in islam, assist ur wives, be like the prophet S.A.W.

  19. fay   •  

    I work full time, 8 hours and then have to come home and do ALL the housework. Its very fustrating because we can not live off my husbands income, so i have to work yet he will not help with anything. Its exhausting and im starting to resent my husband. I wish i could just stay at home and only worry about housework and cooking.

  20. Janan   •  

    Can we have a response from the moderators? My husband is like many of these women’s husbands in that he doesn’t help much, and when he does he makes a big deal of it. We are both students alhamdulillah, although i study online and he at a university. We have one daughter mashallah. He becomes defensive and attacks me verbally when i bring up this topic, using his mother as an example of how i should try to be, and i stay quiet after this. His mother married young like me, but she did not study, and is mashallah very accomplished with the house.

    He is at home alot, and only recently does part-time work. I do not think it unreasonable to want help. Am i in the wrong? How can i broach this with my husband in the best way? The last time i tried, he left the house and came back with the book “the ideal muslimah”. I am reading it, and we differ in our view of women’s rights. I believe that what i do is for the sake of Allah, a gift, not an obligation, and that he should help. He is angered by this. Astaghfirullah, some advice please because i am staying quiet but find it hard to cope with no help, i can barely keep the house presentable and have almost no time for studies, staying up late when i have something due.

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